


Love is a Thread Always Woven in Betrayal

by fooZater



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25933114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fooZater/pseuds/fooZater
Summary: Post Endgame. When Tom prepares to deliver some hard news to Chakotay, he finds himself on the end of something shocking.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 22
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

Tom shifted anxiously in his living room as he absently stared at the door. His gaze was averted momentarily to the ceiling, a silent prayer on his lips.

"Hurry up B'Elanna," he whispered into silence. The door chime went. His eyes darted rapidly, fearfully to the door. A crisp silence followed, where he simply didn't move, didn't want to. It went again and he blinked.

"Damn," he cursed, aggravated, as he paced to the door. He opened the door and a wide smile greeted him. He fixed a smile in return.

"Hey, Tom."

"Chakotay."

Chakotay looked strangely at him. "Is B'Elanna home?" he asked warily when Tom said nothing else.

"Not right now, she should be back soon though," he told him quickly as he realised he'd hesitated too much already. "Come in." He moved aside to allow Chakotay space to pass him. Once he was inside Tom took a second to glance outside checking – willing B'Elanna to be in sight. He sighed in disappointment.

"I thought she knew I was coming," Chakotay spoke as Tom drew him inside.

"She does, she's just running a little late," he explained with a smile. "Sit down," he encouraged. "Coffee?" Chakotay shook his head and a sad smile that appeared together with distant eyes made Tom stare longer than he should have. Chakotay saw the question.

"I only drank coffee when Kathryn was around."

Tom wasn't expecting an explanation and he berated himself for not guarding that particular uncertainty in his eyes.

"She would always make me feel like I was a traitor or something if I refused it," he explained with a trace of happiness to his words. "I hated the stuff, but I drank it just to keep her happy." He smiled. Tom laughed slightly and added silently that suffering coffee was among the many, many things he had done to keep her happy once. He wondered idly how she coped nowadays without him in that respect and a frown quickly swallowed his features.

"How long is it since you talked to her?" Tom wondered. No use in trying to pretend he wasn't curious, Chakotay obviously knew otherwise and his smile turned rueful at the question.

"Talked or seen?" Tom's eyebrow rose in indifference to either. Chakotay unconsciously took a deep breath. "Months since we talked – we move around so much it's often hard to locate each other. Seen … " He exhaled at length, trying to remember. "Nearly two years," he confessed, his calculation disturbing him.

"Wow," Tom said quietly. "That's a long time for someone you-" A spark in Chakotay's eyes halted Tom abruptly. "Ah …" Awkwardness crept into Chakotay's stance and Tom felt guilty instantly, even more so when he realised words were not coming fast enough to dismiss the reaction. "I bet you miss having your best friend a transport away." Good save … he thought anyway.

"I do," he replied, in an overwhelmingly heartfelt sigh. An impatient tone played from Tom's computer terminal, interrupting the moment.

"Excuse me," he apologised and walked swiftly over to the terminal. He hit a button and B'Elanna's face blinked onto the screen. She smiled at him apprehensively.

"I can't make it," she said with a grimace. Tom blanched.

"You have to." His words were spoken forcefully and with despair. She shrugged at him, helpless.

"I'm sorry." He glanced briefly over the screen, watching Chakotay busy himself at the opposite end of the room with family pictures.

"You can't expect me to tell him, B'Elanna – he needs someone a little more emotionally responsible to deliver news like this." His voice was a mere whisper. She guffawed at him.

"Then I guess I'm not the perfect candidate either. Look, Tom, I would if I could…" She looked off screen momentarily. "He needs to hear this from a friend and you're as close as he's got to that right now. I wish I could be there for him, but …"

"I know – work" Tom rolled his eyes. B'Elanna had been away far too often these days and for far too long. "I'll tell him."

"I love you." He smiled at her and nodded as he went to cut the link. "And Tom …"

He raised his eyes to her. "Do it gently, will you? He's … he's been … strange lately. Almost depressed." He nodded again.

"I'll do my best." And he cut the link. With a heavy heart he glanced at Chakotay again, now smiling thoughtfully at one of the framed pictures. Tom fixed a smile in place and made towards him.

As he stepped up behind Chakotay he realised he was holding a picture of Miral on her birthday – with her godmother, Admiral Janeway.

"So perfect," Chakotay whispered with a smile in his voice.

"Quite the pair," he agreed and Chakotay glanced around to him and then back to the picture. He set the frame back into its place again and turned to Tom, his back straight.

Tom pitied the man. He could see the emotional debris in his skin, the lines telling more stories than were meant to be heard.

"Chakotay …"

"B'Elanna isn't coming, is she?" Tom shook his head and Chakotay smiled sadly.

"Can we talk?"

"This sounds serious."

"I … it is."

Chakotay nodded and watched Tom curiously as they sat facing each other.

"How are things between you and the Admiral?" Tom dived in headfirst. Chakotay's eyes grew like saucers and alarm radiated from him.

"Well you don't waste any time do you?" Chakotay marvelled aloud. Tom simply waited for his answer and Chakotay relented with a sigh.

"Not good," he laughed softly. "But then when are they?"

Tom's eyes fell to the floor. "They used to be great," Tom reminded him, looking back up to the dark man with a charge in his eyes.

"A long time ago," Chakotay breathed.

"Not so long, old man."

"If this is all about mending bridges with Kathryn then you can save yourself the time and quit right now," Chakotay argued, anger finally seeping into his words. "Both Kathryn and I have accepted that things will never be the same between us – why can't you?"

"I'm just asking you to tell me about it," Tom pleaded; a stillness to his voice that he hoped would calm Chakotay.

"It's none of your business," Chakotay snapped. Tom shook his head, he had foreseen this would crash and burn before it began and he had been right. Chakotay would never confide in him, especially not about the Admiral. Kathryn Janeway was one of the things that Chakotay held dear to his heart, so dear that it seemed it was untouchable, almost a chaste topic that no one should dare discuss with him for fear of tainting it.

"Then I'll get right to the chase." Tom stood, his patience gone. "B'Elanna asked me to break this to you gently but you've given me no other route than to come out and say it." When he finished, Tom felt hesitancy fall over him. Chakotay stood in fearful anticipation, hoping in some way it would nudge Tom forward.

"She's married."

Silence. Still, empty, torturous silence.

"We just thought you might like to know."

"Do you know to whom?" Chakotay asked with a weird gleam in his eyes.

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not."

"Chakotay …" Tom was angry at his behaviour, yet the sight of the broken man in front of him was too much and the strings of Tom's heart pulled ferociously. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" He asked distantly, looking to Tom with sorrowful eyes glazed with tears that only threatened to come. Tom only stared at him. After some time, Chakotay shook his head in annoyance. He inhaled a ragged breath as the fight seemed to leave his body and he fell back into the seat in withdraw. His head lulled back and his eyes closed. Tom gazed at him for some time, confused.

Taking the quiet moment to sit back down across from Chakotay, Tom continued to study him, wondering what lay beneath the guarded eyes he had arrived with.

"We had an affair."

Tom's breath caught in his throat and he spluttered slightly. Chakotay brought his head forward slowly, lazily opening his eyes as if he just hadn't told Tom something powerful. He saw, rather than heard, Chakotay sigh with fatigue.

"I know she's married. Has been for some time," Chakotay told him calmly. "I knew a long time ago. I supposed then she felt she had some sort of duty to tell me. In retrospect … I can't think why she told me at all."

"We only found out recently."

Chakotay smiled ruefully. "She's a private person and the media storm after Voyager only worsened her bête-noir towards others being privy to her business." Chakotay raked his hand through his hair shakily.

"You said you didn't know to whom she was married," Tom reminded him. Chakotay's eyebrows climbed his forehead steadily.

"No, I just asked if you knew," he stated flippantly. Tom replayed and realised he was right. "Besides – I don't really actually know the man, just a name and a face."

"Was she married?" He asked tentatively.

"During the affair?" Chakotay really didn't need the clarification but it came out anyway, he supposed it was a way of prolonging the truth.

"Yes." Tom sucked in a breath. Chakotay recognised the disbelief on his face. He smiled. "It's not something you'd expect from either of us, is it?" Tom warily shook his head in answer.

"Not an affair … something maybe, but not …" He heard a burst of amused air come from Chakotay's nostrils as he gazed into nothingness with a detachment behind his eyes.

"Betrayal." Chakotay said what Tom wouldn't. Tom's eyes snapped to him. Chakotay glanced away from their sharpness. "Betrayal is all it was. From beginning to finish."


	2. Chapter 2

"What happened?" Tom asked, apprehensively.

Chakotay clasped his hands together and breathed deeply as he rested his chin on them, thinking.

"About two years ago, she contacted me…" he began.

" _We need to talk, right away." Kathryn's eyes fell to look down and Chakotay studied her disposition on the screen. "It's important."_

" _Of course," he replied readily, worried. "I'll beam over there straight aw-"_

" _-No, I'll come to you," she interrupted with haste. He nodded dumbly at her._

" _I'll see you soon, Kathryn." She nodded now, with a faint smile._

" _Chakotay?" She called almost desperately for his attention. He looked at her, waiting._

" _I miss you."_

_He smiled fully._

" _I miss you too."_

_She returned his smile with a smooth, quirky one of her own._

_The screen went blank and he felt butterflies in his stomach at the prospect of seeing her so soon. The smile he wore grew. Since she had gotten married he heard very little from her. He found it hard to deal with on many levels and he had really no one to talk to about it. Kathryn hadn't told many she had married and he wasn't about to betray her wishes to ease his mind a little. He went to the replicator to get coffee for her arrival and before the cup materialised, with a grin he heard the fizzle of the transporter behind him._

" _Chakotay …" she breathed. He swirled around and she was already on top of him. He stumbled back in surprise with a chuckle as her embrace tightened. He pulled her closer into the hug and closed his eyes at the feeling._

" _I missed you too," he laughed as she loosened her arms a little, but only enough so she could pull back to see his face. She smiled weakly as she gazed into his eyes and he brushed a few stray hairs from the side of her face. A spark passed between them and suddenly their embrace changed from a needy hug to something entirely different. His stomach twisted at the feelings that raged inside him. It was all he could do not to kiss her. He bit his lip and flicked his eyes away. She was married and now more than ever he needed to tuck those feelings away for good._

_Then, suddenly her hand was gliding along the curve of his jaw and she was slowly drawing his eyes back to hers. When his eyes met hers he saw desire in them. Desire for him - bare, raw desire. Any misgivings he had about its intention were lost as her lips devoured his hungrily and she pushed into him, her arms hurrying over his entire body. It was only a mere moment before he joined her, his hands moulding to every curve of her as he kissed her hard. He guided them toward his bed and she allowed a spectre of space between them as she went for his clothes. Abruptly, his hand flew up and caught her wrist as she ripped at his shirt._

" _Kathryn –" he whispered breathlessly, an uninvited objection in his tone. "You're married. I think-"_

" _Don't think, Chakotay, just feel."_

_Without allowing time for him to protest further, she divested him of his shirt and they fell to the bed in a tangle._

"So she came to tell you that she had made a mistake, that she wanted to be with you …" Tom spoke pensively. When he looked to Chakotay, he was shaking his head.

"No. I thought the same. But she got what she came for. No more and certainly no less." Tom frowned in bemusement.

"I woke up in the morning. I can't ever remember being happier than I was at that particular moment."

_Chakotay groaned sleepily as he woke. Before his eyes even opened he smiled blissfully as memories of last night came floating into his conscious mind. He reached out for Kathryn and opened his eyes as his fingers grasped at linen and air. He sat up, pulling at the sheet that covered his naked body._

" _Kathryn?" he called apprehensively. She stepped into the room and he grinned delightfully at her._

" _You got dressed without me," he teased as he slid his body down the bed to be closer to her. She looked uneasily at him as his legs peered from the bottom of the bed, the sheet scarcely allowing his modesty._

" _I'm leaving," she told him as she straightened her uniform. His smile faltered slightly._

" _Do I at least get a goodbye?" He quirked an eyebrow suggestively and raised his arms to her but she hesitated, rooted to the spot._

" _Kathryn?"_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _What's going on?" He asked, suddenly afraid. She was acting weird, cold and she was avoiding his eyes._

" _I have to meet him," she confessed._

" _Oh," he replied. "What will you tell him about us?"_

" _Nothing." She turned from him and he felt the need to be nearer to her. He wrapped the sheet loosely around his waist and walked to her._

" _How do you think he'll take it?" He wondered softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. Her head, which had been bowed, straightened up._

" _Take what?"_

" _That you're leaving him …" he said, incredulous that she would pretend not to understand._

" _I'm not leaving him, Chakotay …" She turned around and met brown pools of anguish sparkling back at her, accusingly. "I'm leaving you." She couldn't bear his eyes anymore and slid away as he stood bewildered._

" _Kathryn!" he called after her and she stopped dead. "I don't understand!" She continued to stand in silence._

" _I'm sorry. I can't …" she began but faltered and paused. "Goodbye, Chakotay." And she glided through the door. Leaving him standing, his heart crumbling to the floor._

"Technically, it wasn't an affair. Just one night," Chakotay professed. "It might as well have been a decade for what I felt."

"I –"

"Don't, Tom," Chakotay cut him off abruptly. "I don't want to hear your pity." He sighed and nestled back into the cushions behind him, as if he was settling nicely back into reality. A reality he had come to terms with. "I pitied myself long enough."

"And now?" Tom asked with a curious pique to his voice. Chakotay's eyes found him, broodingly and Tom could see a cloudiness pass quickly in their darkness.

"And now … I'm just tired," he breathed. "I'm tired of being angry, of being sad …" he stopped a moment to allow a hollow laugh. "I'm tired of feeling."

Tom's forehead creased in compassion. There was no need for someone to be in such an emotional state. Or lack thereof. And especially someone like Chakotay, a man who only ever imposed an emotion of love on people. Ironic that his misfortune now was a result of the one he loved most.

"And the Admiral?"

"Who knows?" Chakotay's eyebrow flew up in disinterest. "I sometimes find myself wondering if that woman ever felt anything real in her life – no –" His eyes drew close in concentration, trying to search for the right words. "Not real. She felt real." Tom blinked in confusion at his rambling, hoping that the concentration on his face would win them both the reward of less ambiguous words. He heard the dark man sigh and his body heaved with the effort of … something. "She felt pain. And sadness. Real pain and sadness." His head turned to his right shoulder, shrouding his expression from Tom, as if embarrassed of something. "Perhaps it's all she knew how to feel."

"Chakotay …" The pain on his face may have been hidden by posture, but his voice laid it flat before them.

"I'm exhausted living in her shadow, Tom," Chakotay began, a firmness to his tone. "I don't want to be the man that makes people think of Kathryn and yet it seems that's all I'll ever be."

Tom felt ashamed knowing, and having proven today already, that he was one of those people. Unfortunately, he had to admit that he felt he'd never think of Chakotay and not her, no matter in what way.

"Friends wonder if she's breaking my heart … or taming it and strangers just dismiss me altogether wondering where my famous old Captain is." He shook his head in dismay. "And so I've tried to cut ties with her – I don't speak to her, she … hasn't tried to contact me for whatever her own reasons. When people ask me of her I start to dismiss her – and yet it simply doesn't work."

"It sounds like you need closure." Tom spoke and Chakotay's eyes darted to him hearing his words. He blinked once and then dropped his eyes. "You need to talk to her."

"Even if I had the courage to … I don't think she'd see me." Tom smiled faintly.

"Don't give her the choice."

Chakotay stared at him, thinking, pondering on how that meeting would pan out. They had shared brief messages over the last two years. Mostly on birthdays, the anniversary of their return or important things regarding their friends. They never spoke live - only volleyed a message and a response back and forth. Aside from that, he had on occasion sent her some recordings after too much whiskey, telling her he loved her and wanting to understand what he could do to make her change her mind and choose him. To those, she never responded and it broke his heart more than it embarrassed him. If she did respond positively to seeing him, she'd most likely trample him again. Then again, it could see a revenge of sorts for him if he approached it suitably.

His mind flooded with curves that the meeting could take. He liked them all.


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay's bold steps screeched to a stop as he neared his target - Kathryn's office - and heard her shrill voice reverberating through the air.

"Pregnant?!"

His ears cocked, he listened outside the door as ragged breathing met his ears.

"Kat …"

"Don't! Don't you goddamn dare!"

Chakotay's morals were telling him that this wasn't the time to seek his revenge, nor eavesdrop into this particular adversity. Yet it was the adversity that drew him. Kathryn's cry had been pained - gut wrenchingly pained. He felt the urge to see her and so against his better morals, he peered through the open doorway.

Kathryn was leaning against her desk, almost being propped up by it. She was visibly shaken - her sapphire eyes boring deeply into her husband. The man was standing directly across from her, a convenient distance between them, his body sagging and his head bowed.

"You said it was over," she ground the words out through clenched teeth. His eyes flickered up momentarily.

"It was," his answer came meekly. She laughed bitterly, folding her arms around herself.

"Evidence to the contrary," she chided. She lasered holes in his head with her eyes, not even blinking to give them respite as they glistened with moisture. Slowly, they flooded with tears.

"I've wanted children since the beginning. 'Not yet Kathryn – I'm getting promoted soon. – 'Maybe next year' – 'Maybe we'd be better off without kids'," she bitterly echoed his past excuses. "You denied me the only thing I ever asked of you!" Tears poured down her cheeks and her voice became strained with emotion. "The affair I dealt with. But … now you tell me that she's pregnant? PREGNANT?!"

"I'm sorry-" A creak in the doorway spun both their attention to it. They both stared at Chakotay in a flash of embarrassment.

"I …" Chakotay began, but found he had nothing to say.

"What are you doing here?" It was Kathryn's voice. It was bitter yet distant and he wondered if the tone was intended for him or if it was simply a splinter of the argument. He swallowed.

"I wanted to talk," he answered.

"Now … isn't really the best time-"

"Maybe I should go." Her eyes, shining and accusing, flit to her husband. She snorted silently at him.

"Always looking for a quick escape, Clark. Hurt me and run before you have time to see the tears. Not this time," she waved her finger promisingly at him. He shook his head absently at her. He licked his lips nervously and started to walk out. She only watched him, expecting it. He had passed her and was in line with the doorway and Chakotay when she spoke.

"Isn't it apt that the object of my affair turns up on the doorstep at this moment?"

Chakotay glanced in panic at her as the man just opposite him now stopped dead. He glared at Chakotay and Chakotay hoped the glare was mostly intended for Kathryn. He had not planned on throwing any actual punches by coming here.

"Kathryn …" Clark warned and she only laughed spitefully in response.

"Does it even bother you that I was with him? Does it belittle you to think that he satisfied me in ways that you can't even imagine?"

"Kathryn –" It was Chakotay's worried voice, now imploring her. Her hand flew up dismissively to him as she noticed her husband tensing before her.

"I felt more for him in one night than I have for you in two years – hell, might as well make it eternity."

"Kathryn!" Clark shouted now, his fists balling as he turned a degree towards her.

"I made love to him all night until we fell asleep, sated and exhausted and in the morning as he slept I watched him and I–" She stopped abruptly, her stare averted to Chakotay. She looked away, her face crumpling. A second for composure and she shot back, "How does it feel on the other side, Clark?"

"Stop!" He yelled forcefully and moved angrily in her direction. Instinctively, Chakotay blocked his path. They stood feet to feet, head to head, eye to eye. A charged moment passed where Chakotay dared him silently to take another step. Clark blinked and backed down with an angry grunt. He relented shortly after and with a seething glance at Kathryn he left. Chakotay sighed with relief after him. He turned to see Kathryn studying him.

As his eyes met hers, he watched as she became guarded. She turned her head away, swiping her hand up to wipe at the tears that still lingered. A myriad of emotions were bubbling inside Chakotay, battling to be the first expressed but he found he could only stand there in indecision, stunned. All he could do was watch her dumbly, still teetering in the doorway.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." When she spoke she didn't look at him and instead walked in the opposite direction, back to the safety of the desk.

"I'm not." And he wasn't. She spun around with demand in her expression. "It's nice to be reminded that you're actually human." His face was hard and cold, and although compassion had been one of the emotions fighting to the fore, it had been defeated mercilessly as he remembered feeling as broken as she looked right now. He watched as her jaw tightened in a movement he once recognised as injury. She only let him see her eyes briefly and then they flicked to the side, her head turning a fraction with them.

"I'm glad that my misery pleases you," she said dispassionately. Chakotay couldn't find a response to that. He wanted to protest; finding mirth in anyone's misery was never something he could abide and yet he found he had no right to argue at the moment.

"What are you really doing here, Chakotay?" She asked, exasperated and angry. "If you're looking for some more misery to bask in – you're not going to get it here."

"I came to …" he began but paused as she looked at him. "I came for closure, Kathryn." She gave a short burst of laughter and walked further away from him.

"Well then I think you already got it." Her eyes turned to him again. They were sparkling in their blueness and it gave him a chill. "Leave me alone, Chakotay." And she walked out of the room.

Chakotay stood and just stared after her for a while. Finally, as he left, he felt a sadness more potent than he had come there with.

* * *

"You haven't said anything yet."

Kathryn's guilty eyes lifted, fearfully yet prepared, to her mother. Gretchen Janeway stood folding linen at the side of the table. Her hands flew steadily and swiftly through the air as the material was tamed into a neat pile beneath them. She glanced at Kathryn with an expression of indifference. A sigh parted her lips softly as she looked at her daughter.

"What would you like me to say, Katie?" Kathryn's eyes dropped. "That it's about time? I don't want you to keep living with your mistakes." She paused and bent slightly to take Kathryn's hand with compassion. Kathryn's head lifted but she stared vacantly into space. "Moving on is hard to do if you dwell in the past."

"Mistake …" Kathryn whispered absently.

"Katie –"

"No, you're right," Kathryn stated as her eyes phased back into the room. "But I've made a lot of mistakes, this … this was much more than a mistake, mother." Gretchen folded her arms and waited. She hadn't been the only one to remain silent on the subject. "I did love him but regardless of what we had… it was never going to be enough." She shook her head, thinking about it clearly for the first time. "I should be happy that we never had children – it wouldn't have been right. In a way he was an emotional bandage." Kathryn shrugged. "And a child would have been a pin to hold it on."

"A bandage for what, Katie?"

Fright stung at Kathryn - for what indeed. Of course she knew, but she wasn't about to tell her mother. She forced herself to smile.

"Many things."

Outwardly, Gretchen relented. Kathryn would never tell her. She turned from Kathryn, taking the folded linen with her.

"I have some errands to run," she called over her shoulder. "Pheobe will be here shortly. Tell her I'll be back soon and to stay away from the brownies." She heard Kathryn exhale at length, relieved. She stopped in her stride a moment. "You, on the other hand, Katie, look like you need some sugar." When Kathryn's head spun to protest she found her mother was already gone and she scowled silently after her.

* * *

"B'Elanna." At the surprised lilt to his voice, B'Elanna blinked and raised her eyebrows, waiting. Soon, she grew impatient with the silence.

"Are you going to invite me in, Chakotay, or shall we have this conversation in the doorway?" He frowned at her, irritation passing over his expression.

"That depends on what you want to talk about," he told her as his hand lifted and rested against the doorframe as a barrier. She had left him countless messages asking what had happened with the admiral - he had answered none.

"Chakotay …" B'Elanna sighed audibly.

"I don't want to talk about her, B'Elanna." He said pointedly, tiredness in his tone.

"I only want to talk about you, Chakotay." He rolled his eyes at her.

"Perhaps, but everything about me these days with you two leads to Kathryn. Don't even pretend you have no will to mention her name."

"And if I do? It's not her fault, Chakotay – you are who you make yourself and you make it all about her!" Her voice grew in volume as his ignorance grated her. His eyes flashed in anger for a moment, then he bowed his head in confession. She was right and they both knew it – the more he really didn't like it.

"We're going to talk, Chakotay – about her and you – and we can do it inside or we can do it out here. You decide." He looked up at her slowly with sad eyes and stared at her a moment before he dropped his hand and she glided past him.

"What happened?"

"What part are you talking about?"

She sighed again. "The closure part," she clarified. His eyes shifted uneasily as he threw his weight onto a soft cushioned seat.

"I went – she gave me closure." He shrugged at her and as she looked closely at him she realised he was avoiding her eyes.

"I'm sure you got something – I just don't believe it was closure." His eyes flicked to hers, narrowing.

"That would simply be your opinion," he snapped.

"Then why are you still so touchy about the subject?"

"I'm touchy about a hell of a lot of things these days, B'Elanna."

"The least of all being in love with Kathryn Janeway." His gaze flew like an arrow to her. She held it fearlessly. "You can't get closure if you're still in love with her, Chakotay."

"What makes you think I'm in love with her?" She guffawed at him.

"Do you have the audacity to deny it?" He avoided her eyes again suddenly. "Thought so."

"B'Elanna …"

"I know … look, I'm not here to hassle you. I just came to listen. To be your friend."

Chakotay regarded her for some time as she stood above him. He sighed finally, raked his hands through his hair and began to tell her about it.

"I've never felt so empty in all my life, B'Elanna," he confessed. She tightened her grip on his shoulder in silent support and he hung his head low. "I've spent so long being angry at her, wanting some sort of retribution but I got more than I bargained for. It was foolish to think I could ever find anything but sorrow in her unhappiness."

"Somehow I doubt you ever thought that."

"Maybe," he said, raising his head so that his voice wasn't so muffled. "But I hurt her, kicked her when she was down, mercilessly. She was defeated before my eyes and then I had a parade on top of it."

"She hurt you too, Chakotay. Don't forget that," B'Elanna reminded him.

"I couldn't," he said firmly. "But I can't help but think that here's something deeper than selfishness there that I wasn't aware of before."

"What did you say to her?"

"Not much," he replied, glancing at the carpet. "And nothing nice, when I did. It was more about what I witnessed," he explained and replayed the entire scene for B'Elanna.

"PetaQ!" B'Elanna protested. "I can't believe he would do that to her!"

Chakotay looked at her in surprise. "What HE did to her? What about what I did?" he exclaimed, ashamed of himself, having left nothing out of his story.

The fire in B'Elanna's eyes dulled a little and she knelt down to him, taking his hand.

"Chakotay, the way you handled the situation wasn't great, but you weren't the only one doing something wrong here. Her husband is the one who caused her anguish - who cheated on her - and while she didn't react admirably either, it's understandable that she used you as an opportunistic weapon. Against all of that and what she did in the past, I think you had every right to say what you did."

"It doesn't feel that way," he huffed as she straightened back up.

"That's because you still love her, despite everything," she told him sadly and he only sighed in response.

"We really screwed everything, B'Elanna," he declared.

"I think you need to go talk to her. This time, try not to land in on her and her husband - or anyone else - having a private moment."

He nodded.

"I do, but … I'm afraid she'll never see me now."

"You have to try … it might occur to her that you didn't wish to hurt her - eventually."

He shook his head now. "I've already tried contacting her. She won't even listen to a word I have to say."

"It'll work out Chakotay, you'll see."

He flashed his dimples at her and she gave him a hug.

* * *

"I'm under strict orders to keep you away from those." Pheobe's hand hovered in the air above the brownies on her mother's table. She whimpered sadly as Kathryn's voice floated over her shoulder. She turned around to see her sister regarding her, amused. She growled at her.

"I'll tell you what, you let me take one and I'll tell the dragon that you ate it." Kathryn smirked at her, thinking.

"Deal." Pheobe already had the brownie in her mouth.

"You really should indulge, Katie, they're delicious," she declared, her mouth full of the subject matter.

"I'm not hungry," Kathryn explained, moving further into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table.

"When are you ever?" Pheobe quipped and Kathryn tutted at her. "Maybe if they were coffee flavoured and liquidised …"

"Speaking of which …" Kathryn rose in search of the very thing. Pheobe watched her closely as she fumbled through all the cupboards looking for coffee. Finally she turned around to Pheobe, looking remotely disturbed. "Where's the coffee?"

"We're out."

"Since when? We never run out of coffee!"

"Since Mum decided," Pheobe revealed, quite amused at her sister's obvious distress.

"What?!"

"I think she's afraid you'll shoot into orbit or jump to warp or something … and end up in another distant quadrant."

"Damn her!" Kathryn barked. Her eyes darted to Pheobe when she heard a giggle. "Don't look so amused – you have yet to experience me without coffee."

"It's not a pretty sight, believe me."

The two sisters spun around to find the owner of the foreign voice, standing in the open door at the back door of the house. Pheobe's brow furrowed as she studied the familiar woman and stuffed more of the brownie into her mouth.

"B'Elanna." The half Klingon woman smiled timidly at Kathryn.

"Admiral." She bowed her head briefly. "I'm sorry for interrupting. I met your mother, she urged me to come visit."

"Don't be silly, come in," Kathryn beaconed her with a wave of her arm. "It's good to see you, it's been so long."

"Yeah," B'Elanna agreed as she walked towards them.

"Have a seat." Kathryn offered as she sat herself.

"Brownie?" Pheobe asked as B'Elanna sat opposite Kathryn. B'Elanna glanced up and shook her head. "How are you B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked, smiling. It was good to see one of her old friends, it was somewhat uplifting in a time like this.

"Good, Tom and Miral are fine too."

"Good." Kathryn grew uneasy then, B'Elanna seemed nervous. And B'Elanna rarely got nervous.

"Actually, I came to see how you were." Kathryn tensed all over and Pheobe's mouth faltered in the attack on another brownie, waiting. Air whisked past Kathryn's lips in a short but amused burst.

"I didn't know news travelled that fast," she conceded. "I thought it would be a few more days before the divorce was in the open."

"Divorce?" At B'Elanna's surprise, Kathryn felt nauseous.

"I … what are you …" Kathryn began but nervously failed to speak.

"I came because of Chakotay …"

"Chakotay?" Crumbs flew across the table at Pheobe's outburst. Kathryn glared at her and she recoiled slightly, hands raised in defence.

"Why?"

"He's worried he… he's afraid he…" B'Elanna fought for words now as Kathryn stared coldly at her. She groaned silently. "He really didn't mean to leave things like he did." It was very obvious Kathryn didn't agree.

"I beg to differ."

"He's afraid he hurt you to the point of no repair and it was entirely not his desire to do so."

"He got what he came for – he told me himself. I guess I don't blame him. What I did to him –" she paused a moment, thinking. "I'm assuming he told you?" B'Elanna nodded, despite not wanting to admit to it. "Well it was unforgivable, I know that. But he picked a lousy time for revenge."

"He realises that – and he's been trying to tell you."

"I can't see him, B'Elanna. If that's why you're here, then… you're simply wasting your time." Kathryn rose from her seat as if to emphasise her point.

"All he wants to do is talk."

"I couldn't … I won't survive Chakotay a third time, B'Elanna. It's not in me." Deciding that B'Elanna wasn't getting the unwelcome message, Kathryn calmly left the room, effectively ending the discussion.

"Third time?" B'Elanna flicked her eyes to Pheobe, remembering she was still there. "What exactly am I missing here?" Pheobe asked.

"Trust me," B'Elanna breathed as she got up. "You don't want to know."

As B'Elanna left Pheobe decided she had to know. She eyed the empty space Kathryn had vacated moments ago and went in search of her troubled sister.

* * *

"So … Chakotay?"

Kathryn had heard Pheobe approaching slowly a few moments ago and was awaiting her opening, however she would choose to aggravate her. Turns out she managed it in two simple words. Keeping her back firmly to Pheobe, Kathryn leaned her head back and looked up to the tip of the bulky oak she was standing in the shade of.

"I don't think he's up there, Katie," Pheobe revealed as she stepped up to stand shoulder to shoulder with Kathryn.

"It's a good thing I'm not looking for him then, isn't it?" Kathryn bit back, throwing a warning glare at her sister.

"Next thing you're going to be telling me you aren't thinking about him." Kathryn turned her head purposefully but didn't speak. "Last time I saw you this worked up was when you thought you'd lost your paper on Cochran in first year Starfleet." She turned her eyes from Pheobe refusing to respond. "You were so busy losing it that you hadn't realised it was exactly where you put it."

"What has all that got to do with anything?" Kathryn snapped impatiently at her sister, walking off, not really wanting an answer but reprieve.

"What happened, Katie?" Pheobe sighed and she saw Kathryn glance at her tentatively. "You still love him, don't you?" She saw Kathryn's eyes widen slightly.

Pheobe had guessed from conversations they had back when returned from the Delta Quadrant that she was in love with her first officer. But at the time, Chakotay was in a relationship with Seven and when they spoke about it Kathryn refused to tamper with his happiness. So she fell in love herself – as much as she could when her heart was somewhere else – and married soon after. The lack of communication between her and Chakotay had resulted in too little too late. She had been married before she found out that Seven and he had split.

Pheobe realised with haste that Kathryn still hadn't answered and when she shook herself from her thoughts Kathryn was walking away. She hurried after her.

"Why don't you talk to him, Katie," Pheobe latched onto her elbow and gently twirled her around to face her. "Tell him how you feel." Kathryn's head dropped into her chest.

"It's too late, Pheobe. It's all too damn late."

"It's never too late." Kathryn looked up and smiled sadly at her sister's bullishness and romanticism.

"There's been too much damage."

"Even if that's true, he used to be your best friend, you could at least try to salvage that," Pheobe's tone implored her to see sense. Kathryn shook her head silently.

"It's no use. There's so much hurt between us that when we're together our defences wall up and we only know how to respond with shoot first or be shot."

"Well then be the first to lay your arms down!" Pheobe raised her voice, frustrated with her sister's despondency.

"It's not that easy." Pheobe snorted at her.

"God only knows the great Kathryn Janeway should find it hard to concede!" She frowned at her angrily. "I guess it really is up to you, Katie. All you have to decide is if he's worth it."

Pheobe walked away, exasperated with Kathryn's obstinacy, hoping that some flicker of sense had filtered into her thick skull.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the kudos and reviews - they feed me :) and sorry for taking so long to update. Real life is such a downer :P
> 
> I know some readers might think this storyline is a bit out of character for Janeway, but, we all would've said certain things were out of character before Equinox too - and, she's only human. I also think the feelings she has for Chakotay that she described in the book (forget the name?) when she talked about it not being a 'safe love' speak towards the fact that it might make her do something crazy if she let it in or dwelt on it, and I imagined how Endgame Captain Janeway might have felt knowing he ends up marrying Seven... and well, this is the result. Life and love are messy and I wanted to inject a bit of realness into their mangled love story - Janeway is no angel, after all.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am not at liberty to disclose the admiral's location," said the stoic Vulcan manning the desk outside Kathryn's office. Chakotay wondered fleetingly if Kathryn needed at least one Vulcan permanently in her life just to annoy him.

"Can you at least call her and ask her if SHE will disclose her location to me?" he wondered aloud.

The Vulcan was already shaking his head, "I'm sorry, S-"

"Enough with the Sir, and tell me-"

"What are you doing here?"

Chakotay spun around to meet the angry glare of Kathryn's husband.

_ Oh, boy. _

"Ambassador Carter," the Vulcan greeted with a lift of his chin and subsequently rested his gaze back on Chakotay as if silently echoing the man's demand.

Chakotay took a deep, calming breath, but squared his shoulders, just in case.

"I'm looking for Kathryn," he explained and the ambassador gave him a look of fake incredulity, evidently unsatisfied with his answer.

"Well, she's not here."

"Clearly," Chakotay said dryly, not moving a muscle and staring directly at his antagonist. "Since you seem to be here for the same reason, I can safely assume you don't know where she is either," he taunted and he watched as the man's lips drew a tight line that danced into all of the muscles in his body.

"Deacon," he ignored Chakotay, "Can you please forward me - privately - the location of my wife?" His head didn't move, but Chakotay could feel his eyes slide sideways to see his reaction - he remained impassive.

"I'm sorry, Ambassador," Deacon began and it made Chakotay grin with satisfaction. "I am not at liberty to disclose that information to you."

"What?" he spluttered but the Vulcan only blinked. "She's my wife, and I demand to know where she is!"

"I am afraid that your marital status does not affect the orders I have, ambassador," he answered.

"What orders?"

"Under no circumstances - save emergencies - give the location of the admiral to anyone."

"Dammit, Kathryn!" he growled and swivelled with speed when he heard a chuckle behind him. "Chakotay is it?" he barked and Chakotay inclined his head in response, still smiling. "I'm interested to know what you think is so funny about you ruining my marriage. Especially when you seem to be on the same side of Kathryn's wall as I am."

Smelling sour liquor on the man's breath Chakotay leaned backwards as he felt a belt of fire ignite in his abdomen and tightened his muscles against it, his smile slowly fading before he answered, "I cannot take credit for ruining your marriage, ambassador. Especially when you seem to have done a fine job of that on your own."

A beat, and the man exploded towards Chakotay with his fists in the air. Chakotay ducked deftly, missing the inebriated punch and instinctively threw a reciprocal blow that, unfortunately for the ambassador, landed squarely on his left jaw. As he sank to the ground and Chakotay righted himself, Deacon made haste and caught the unconscious man before he hit the floor.

After depositing the limp man onto the nearest chair, Deacon shot Chakotay an enquiring eyebrow and he shrugged in answer. "Reflex. He started it."

"I'll go get some medical supplies," was all Deacon said, obviously irritated despite his finer Vulcan tendencies.

Chakotay sighed and glanced around the room, his eyes landing on the door to Kathryn's office and he idly wondered if he could sneak in without the Vulcan noticing.

_ Probably not,  _ he conceded with annoyance and before he could form another plan, a groan from Ambassador Carter made him step backwards, clearing enough space between them should he try for round two.

When the man's eyes focused and he spotted Chakotay he started and raised his arms in a defensive position, wincing as the movement made his jaw smart.

Chakotay sighed and shook his head. "I'm not going to fight you, ambassador," he said wearily.

"You could've fooled me," Carter retorted, grimacing and touching his hand to the now growing bruise on his face and wiping at the blood that dripped from his lip. He stood slowly, making sure to keep Chakotay in his line of vision.

"You started it. I guess Kathryn never found the time to tell you I'm a boxer."

A huffed laugh escaped the wounded man and he wiped his bloody fingers on his jacket. "Kathryn never told me anything about you," he threw acerbically. "She admitted to an affair, but she refused to tell me with whom." The man narrowed his eyes at Chakotay and bravely took a step closer. "All she would say was that it had been a rash decision that she regretted deeply and that it didn't matter who it was, it wouldn't help our marriage… and in hindsight, she was probably right. If I had known it was you…" he tailed off and Chakotay frowned. He had never met the man so the statement confused him and his words seared an already scorched heart.

He had always hoped that some part of Kathryn held that night dear, even if she did want to fix her marriage despite it. Now to hear his fear verbalised by someone he didn't even know - her husband in fact, well, it hurt like hell.

"If that night meant so little to her, then why is your marriage still broken, Mr. Carter?" he baited.

To Chakotay's surprise, his comment had the opposite effect and instead of angering him, the ambassador's face crumpled and he stumbled drunkenly backwards. Once again he was falling, and, seeing it before it happened, Chakotay swung forward and caught him by the arms, steadying him and guiding him back to the seat.

Making contact with the seat, the ambassador shook Chakotay off and bent over, sobbing, his hands shielding his face as he trembled. Feeling awkward and trying to ignore the sympathy he felt, Chakotay closed his eyes against the emotion and glanced at the doorway, wondering where that damned Vulcan was, and if he could just leave already.

Then, from beneath soaked fingers came, "Are you here to win her back?" the ambassador asked with considerable apprehension.

Chakotay had only come to apologise and mend bridges if possible, but the question left him without words, because despite that, his heart fluttered at the very prospect now and he had to admit, he had - somewhere deep inside - entertained the notion.

But she was still married.

"Are you?" he asked. "I may have only gotten the cliff notes of what you did, but I sure as hell cannot compete with that when it comes to hurting her."

"You're right," the man sniffed and straightened up, revealing his tear and blood streaked face. "I screwed up bad," he nodded, looking at the carpet with serious eyes. "Last time I did that, she ended up with you and now, here you are again," and hard, pained eyes landed on Chakotay. "So tell me, Chakotay, if I want to save my marriage - are you going to stand in my way?"

Chakotay felt his heartbeat quicken and he heard it whisper 'yes'. At least now he was sure what drove Kathryn to him that day.

Instead he asked, "Do you love her?" and the man started to sob, nodding. Chakotay's heart constricted. "Then why do something like this to her?" he demanded, growing resentful. This fool had everything he had ever wanted, and instead of cherishing it, he had not one, but two affairs and somehow managed to get his lover pregnant to add icing to the adultery.

"You don't know what it's like to be with her," he protested, feeling slighted. "Kathryn is-"

"I know  _ exactly  _ what it's like to be with her!" Chakotay interjected, shaking a little with anger and alarming Carter. "I spent seven damn years at her feet while she played with my feelings and my friendship and I've been where you are now, all at her hands and for doing nothing more than loving her. So don't sit there and try to justify your actions - take some bloody responsibility for what you did to your marriage and to her."

His breathing ragged and his chest heaving, Chakotay clenched his jaw at the mess of a man before him and cursed himself for what he was about to say.

"Maybe then you can actually salvage something with her. Kathryn hates cowards almost as much as she hates liars."

"So you're not going to challenge me?" Carter asked in surprise.

Chakotay swallowed at the storm raging in him. He wanted to punch the man again and he wanted to find Kathryn and sweep her off her feet and away from this mess. But she had chosen Carter over him back then, why would it be any different now? Aside from that, she had only come to him to retaliate. Anything that might happen now would only follow the same thread.

And he wouldn't survive it.

"If I were in your position, Ambassador Carter, I would pull my shit together and realise what an amazing wife I have because, if I had Kathryn Janeway, you can be damn sure someone like you wouldn't get in my way of keeping her."

With that, he spun on his heels to leave and froze, finding himself standing face to face with Kathryn, her eyes wide and her mouth ajar. For a second he couldn't think, couldn't move - how long had she been there?

Then, "Kathryn!" and her eyes quickly left him and landed behind him on her husband. She sidestepped Chakotay and he melted, deflated but unable to stop himself turning to follow her.

"Deacon called me," she said by way of explanation.

_ Damned Vulcan,  _ Chakotay cursed inwardly - noting now that the coward hadn't reappeared with any medical supplies.

"He said you two were fighting -oh!" and she reached for Carter's face, tilting it with delicate fingers to assess the damage.

"It was my fault."

To Chakotay's surprise, Carter spoke up, and glanced quickly at him. Kathryn also looked to him for confirmation. Chakotay betrayed nothing. He wasn't going to meddle in their affairs, but he sure as hell wasn't about to help either.

"You've been drinking," she accused, letting her husband's jaw go and setting down a case she carried - medical supplies. Her head swivelled to Chakotay as she bent over it, extracting a few things. "And you, it seems, have been boxing." Her disapproval was evident.

It irked him and he tried heartily to ignore the bitterness that rose like bile up his throat.

"I punched him first," Carter offered and Kathryn tore her accusing eyes away from Chakotay back to her patient as she worked a tricorder over him.

"He looks relatively unscathed to me," she retorted, now working a hypospray over the damaged jaw and the colouring started to fade.

"He missed," Chakotay said flatly and she only grunted in return, continuing her work.

"Kathryn," Carter started. "Let's go home? I - we need to talk," he implored as he lifted a hand to caress her face. She raised her own hand to meet it, and removed it swiftly, standing and snapping the case shut.

"You're drunk, Clark, and there's nothing to talk about anyway." Carter's face collapsed again and she closed her eyes at it and turned. "And you-" opening them, she realised Chakotay was no longer there. Her shoulders sagged and she swallowed away the tightening in her throat.

"Kathryn, please. Tomorrow then. I want to make this work - I love you." He stood now, hands at her elbows, his eyes red, bleary and sincere.

Thinking about him, about his lover, about Chakotay and everything that had happened, and everything she wanted, she said, "I'm sorry, Clark, I still want a divorce."

With a glance to the space Chakotay had vacated she gathered the case to take her leave.

"He said it was just one night." It was a statement, but Kathryn knew it was really a question that he barrelled at her back. "I never believed you when you told me that," he added.

"I know," she said sadly, without turning.

"You also said it was a mistake," he reminded her. "But I never believed that you really thought that either."

This time, she turned.

"You came back that day and confessed and I was so happy that you were back that I was tripping over myself to forgive you so that you would forgive me - so it took me a while to see it."

"See what?"

"That it was never one night. And you might have regretted it, but not because it was a mistake for our marriage."

"Clark-"

"No-" he interrupted with a hand held up as he stepped towards her. "I mean - you never wondered why I didn't believe it was just one night? You came back from that night with him more broken than you left me."

Kathryn breathed as evenly as she could, and pressed her lips together for control.

"To be honest, I should have seen it long before that - I mean, it all made sense that day in your office when you told me it was him."

"It was one night," she said through gritted teeth, not at all pleased about the conversation or her integrity being questioned again.

"I believe you were with him one night," he clarified. "But he all but told me today he's been in love with you for years and I'm willing to bet you knew that too, regardless if you did anything about it or not. I did a little research on him and I couldn't help but notice a significant parallel with the rise and fall of his last relationship and ours."

He sat down again, almost disappearing into the cushions of the seat and slid his hands up and down its upholstered arms.

"Do you know why I never wanted children, Kathryn?"

A hand went shakily to her forehead and her eyelids fluttered with stress. "Whatever it is, you better get over it quick," she goaded him as a distraction and happy for the change of subject.

"You."

"What?" she squeaked, feeling something spear her beneath the ribs. He had just thrown one of the greatest fears about their marriage at her feet.

"Not like that," he dismissed, seeing the horror in her eyes. "Not like that," he repeated softly, reassuringly, and shaking his head for emphasis. "You never had time for me. I absolutely adored you, I worshipped the ground you walked on and for a short time at the beginning, everything was wonderful. But from one day to the next, it changed. And it seemed like you always wanted to be as far away from me as possible. When you were there, all you could do was talk about work, or having children - we weren't being really intimate anymore anyway and… and so it was easy to keep making excuses for a family because I couldn't imagine you would have any time left for me at all if we had a child. In the early days I dreamed of a little red haired girl with your blue eyes and fiery heart - but at the end all I could see was you and that I was barely holding onto you - so I was selfish. I didn't want a child because I thought I would lose you. Funny thing was - I hadn't realised until today - I never even had you."

When he stopped, she was silently crying, a hand trying valiantly to hold in the silent sobs she shook with.

"I stood there and told you I still love you and it was the truth. But you stood there and said nothing, looking at me as if you wished I would disappear-"

"Clark-" he held a sharp finger up to silence her.

"But your face said volumes when you looked for him and found him gone."

"There's nothing going on between me and Chakotay," she said indignantly as she angrily wiped tears away.

Her husband stood, nodding. "I believe that you're not with him, Kathryn. But you are a goddamn idiot if you think there is nothing going on between you two."

And in a few fuming steps, he was gone too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long - I had trouble finding time and a way to wrap it up! Thank you for your patience!

Chakotay launched himself onto his bed and groaned into his pillow. He swore he would make Tom Paris pay for allowing him to even consider getting tangled in Kathryn’s web again. He may have been coasting through life the last while as he ignored the whole situation, but that had been a relatively fantastic, ignorant bliss that he now envied.

Right now he was much worse off. His treasonous heart still pined for her and made him do stupid things - like hoping when he went to her office today, and feeling compassion for her dirtbag of a husband. Add to that the pain of finding out the truth about that night…

It had never been love. It had only been payback. She had used him - again. If this was what closure felt like, Tom could shove-

His doorbell interrupted his wallowing and he groaned into his pillow again, not willing to move. It went again, and again, and again.

“Spirits be damned!” he cursed, rising up onto his elbows and pushing himself off the bed into a stalk towards his door.

He stabbed the lock release and as the doors slid open he snarled, “What?”

For the second time that day, he stood frozen in front of a speechless Kathryn Janeway. But this time, when he thawed, instead of fear, resentment threaded his veins and he folded his arms and set his jaw at her.

“What do you want, admiral?” 

She kept eye contact, but he could see trepidation in the lines of her face. She drew a long breath and said, “I know you’re angry with me-” he guffawed but she continued, “but I think we need to talk.”

“Now you want to talk,” he chided, leaning against his door frame, looming over her. “I’ve wanted to talk for two years, Kathryn and you were having none of it.”

“You’re right,” she acquiesced and he grew uneasy at her open, almost vulnerable manner. “And I will understand if you really don’t want to talk, Chakotay, but you have tried in person two times in three days and I’m finally here, alone and on your turf. Are you going to forego the drama and admit me or shall I just leave?”

She never was one for bullshit.

He stepped aside and she moved passed him, sucking in a breath that betrayed her confident stride.

He needed a moment to centre himself - this woman was giving him emotional whiplash today.

“Coffee?” he offered and she raised an eyebrow, considering.

“Whiskey, if you have it,” she said instead, surprising him. He shrugged, admitting he could use one too.

As he busied himself with the glasses and the beverage, he watched her as she surveyed his living room, her fingers gliding over artefacts he displayed and glancing at pictures he had out. She lifted one and smiled at it.

“How is Sekaya?” she asked.

He moved towards her, holding her glass out at length as if he was afraid to get too close to her. He had to admit, perhaps he was. She looked great and he didn’t trust himself to behave the way he wanted to. Despite the sadness that coloured her eyes and weighed on her posture she still stood striking before him, out of uniform, in a simple green wrap dress, tied at the waist, her standard issue heels discarded for a chic pair of tanned sandals.

“You didn’t come here to talk about Sekaya,” he challenged.

Chastised, she replaced the picture and sank at least a quarter of the whiskey he gave her.

“I was surprised you left so suddenly,” she told him and he shrugged again, walking away and draining more than half of his whiskey in response.

“I decided I had intruded enough on your privacy this week,” he threw over his shoulder, grimacing at the sting of the alcohol as it burned his oesophagus. “I didn’t intend to cause your marriage issues, you have to believe that,” he added less harshly. 

When he only heard bitter laughter he turned to watch her finish the whiskey, shake the glass at him and incline her head towards the bottle. He nodded and she went and refilled.

As she swirled the amber liquid in the glass she spoke without facing him, and he wondered if they were going to spend most of this conversation talking to each other’s back. “You never caused my marriage any issues, Chakotay. That failure was all our own.”

He was surprised to hear it, but he couldn’t disagree just to make her feel better so he stayed quiet. She turned towards his gaze, sipping the whiskey again and he hoped this one lasted longer than the last - otherwise this wasn’t going to be a very fruitful conversation.

“I believe he wants to make it right,” he offered, the words parching his mouth and fruitful be damned, he downed his whiskey and went to her side to fill his glass again.

Glancing at her from the corner of his eye he saw her nod, her mouth turned down, considering that.

“He can’t,” and she met the eyes she could feel on her. Chakotay licked his lips and gripped his glass tighter. “I’ve filed for divorce,” she said, breaking eye contact and speaking into her glass. Chakotay felt his chest thump and the glass was at his lips again.

He didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know what she wanted him to say to that. 

“I’m sorry, Chakotay,” she said with a lengthy exhale and he frowned at her as she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. “For what I did that night-”

“Don’t,” he warned, sinking the second whiskey as old anger tickled his back.

“Even more so for what I did the next day,” she continued, ignoring him and setting her glass down she faced him and laid a hand on his forearm, squeezing for his attention.

He set his glass down hard and shrugged away from her, pouring another.

“It’s in the past, Kathryn. Don’t bring that up now,” he begged, hunching over his drink and avoiding her eyes.

“I wish it were, but I think about it everyday, Chakotay - I cannot put it in the past.”

“If you’re here to appease your guilt, Kathryn, you can leave. It’s all your own,” he spat and with the words expelled, he turned his body from her, not wanting to see her face.

“Maybe a part of me is hoping for that,” she admitted sadly, “but I came here to tell you the truth.”

He shook with indignant laughter and swung around to her, shaking his head and swallowing a wry smile as he finished yet another finger of whiskey. She swallowed hard but kept his gaze and set her own glass down, a glance of amber still glistening inside.

“I’m not sure I can believe a word you say these days,” he retorted and warring feelings of triumph and guilt battled in his chest as he saw the words cut her. She only nodded at them, regret warping her eyes.

“Well, believe it or not, I’m still going to say it.” His attention was swiftly on her again, because despite what he said, he was hungry for what she would say - truth or lies - and he held his breath as she began to speak. “I may not have known it at the time…” she began, “but I married Clark to-” she stopped, swallowing and breaking eye contact with him. Either she was a very good actress or she was really about to tell him some truth - or at least a lie that she was finding hard to articulate. She took a fortifying breath, and lifted her eyes from the floor to meet his again. 

_That’s right, Kathryn, don’t be a coward._

“I married him because of you,” she said, the words rushing from her as if they seared her lips as they passed and either she was shocked that she had actually said them, or she was startled at the confusion and surprise on his face, because hers quickly contorted in angles he didn’t recognise. 

He had no idea what that confession meant.

“What the hell does that mean, Kathryn?” he barked, annoyed and she winced at his tone but he stood firm. If she was really here to be honest, then she also needed to be clear.

He watched as she gritted her teeth, set her jaw and tried again.

“I married him because you were with Seven.”

“Retaliation, again?” he asked, incredulous. That was all their relationship was, a sparring match in which she struck him repeatedly for mistakes not his.

“What?” she asked, confused and winded.

“Let me get this straight,” he said, wagging an angry finger at her and pacing in front of her. “You married Clark because Seven and I were together - to retaliate against what exactly? Me, for just being happy or for loving someone other than you?” She opened her mouth to protest at the horror the thought encouraged in her but he didn't pause long enough for her to succeed. “And you slept with me because you wanted to give your cheating husband a piece of his own medicine?”

“What?” she breathed again, speechless.

“Tell me, Kathryn, if I had still been with Seven, would you have done that anyway? Seduced me and hurt her as well? Send her a nice message - you may have him but I can take him any time I want!”

“Seduced you?” she snapped, now alight from his words and took a step towards him. “If I recall correctly you were as equal a participant as I was!” she argued, hands on her hips.

He laughed. “Spirits,” he exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air. “And you came here to tell the truth! First thing out of your mouth is a twisted lie to yourself.” He stared hard at her now, daring her to argue, but she just snapped her jaw shut and watched him from eyes bleary with distressed tears. He ignored them and continued, “You came to me that day, launched yourself at me, told me you missed me and when sparks started to fly that I couldn’t ignore, you made it very clear you weren’t going to - and you kissed me - YOU KISSED ME!” he accused. “And Spirits be damned you knew I couldn’t resist you-” a quick, bitter laugh punctuated his thoughts, “-but I tried anyway, and I reminded you that you were married - do you remember what you said to that, Kathryn?” he asked with a waspish tone. The tears were falling down her face now but he disregarded them - just another weapon she would use to manipulate him - not this time. “ _Don’t think - just feel, Chakotay,_ ” he supplied for her - she probably couldn’t remember. Lies were always harder to recall. “And I did what I always did - what you told me to. What an idiot! You just used me like you always did.”

“I’m sorry,” she said finally into the silence around his ragged breathing. “I’m sorry for how I made you feel - how I’m making you feel,” she continued, glancing away as more silent tears cascaded down. “But if I am being honest, I am not sorry that I kissed you.” She wiped at a few tears as he looked to her with guarded eyes, ready to fight again if needed.

“You did a lot more than kiss me, Kathryn,” he reminded her and she nodded, still wiping her face.

“And I’m not really sorry about that either,” she said more steadily now.

“Maybe some honesty at last,” he quipped with a raised eyebrow but she didn’t react.

“But I have regretted leaving every damn day since,” she confessed firmly with red eyes that were sparkling with more tears. “What we did - what I did - was something I thought I could never do to another. To you or to him. And when I woke up the next morning, I was wracked with guilt for cheating on him, for cheating you - and I was ashamed. I was ashamed because despite the guilt, despite the fact I knew it was wrong - it felt so damn good. And so I ran away, because I couldn’t admit what I must now… I married him in some unconscious wish that it would hurt you like you hurt me with Seven,” she clarified. “And the moment I found out you and Seven had split, my marriage might as well have been dead because all I could think about was you.

I never imagined that - I thought you’d be together until the end, like the admiral told me. And yet there we were. You were single and I was married and we were just friends. He may have been the first one to sleep with someone else, but my heart was already cheating on him long before he made his first transgression. When I found out, I was truly hurt, because I did care about him, and mostly because after everything - all I had was him. I didn’t go to you that day with the intention of seducing you, I went there because I needed my best friend... but the moment you touched me everything changed. I could see it in your eyes and I was so blinded by the thought that you still wanted me that everything else fell away. I didn’t think about him, I didn’t think about our friendship, and I didn’t think about the repercussions… I just-”

“-felt,” he interjected sadly and she nodded with teary eyes.

“I screwed it all up, because in that moment - after almost nine years of ignoring it, of ignoring what I wanted - I just couldn’t control what I felt for you. So maybe you’re right, Chakotay, perhaps I did seduce you, and I probably wouldn’t have given a damn if you were still with Seven either. I once told you what I felt for you wasn’t a safe love and I proved it that day. But don’t accuse me of using you - I was with you that night because I didn’t have it in me anymore to ignore how much I wanted you - how much I loved you.

And I’m here today because I still cannot ignore it. I’ve hurt you, I’ve hurt Clark and I’ve hurt myself and all that has changed everything - everything except how much I love you. And so I’m here to be honest with you and with myself. If I want to move on, I have to admit that all the damage I have caused is because I keep trying to ignore or run away from that and I can’t do it anymore. I understand if you never want to see me again, but…” she turned away from him, pacing a little and looking up to the ceiling as if she would find solace there.

“Kathryn-”

“But what I heard you say at my office today, it made me wonder-”. 

“Kat-” she spoke over him again and continued, her hands over her face.

“-if maybe there is something-” he strode over to her and pulled her hands from her face and crushed his lips to hers.

She reacted at first with surprise and her hands flew to his forearms in alarm so he softened his kiss, tasting the salt from her tears as she started to loosen and melt towards him. When her hands glided around his neck and her lips moved skilfully against his he felt his body ignite with electricity and his heart sang almost the same way it did the first day she kissed him. But this wasn't the first time, and she was still married, so he slowed the kiss and finally pulled away from her enough to rest his forehead on hers until she opened her eyes and looked at him.

“There is something,” he whispered. “A lot more than something, Kathryn. I meant what I said in that office. But you are still married, and I don’t know what this is between us, or if it is even smart to embrace it. This time we have to think,” and he pushed away from her to get balance. He was hoping she would take it from here, but she just stared blankly at him.

“Kathryn? Say something,” he begged, feeling nervousness creep in. Surely she wasn’t going to step away again.

“I love you,” she said in response and it made him smile. She took a step towards him. “You’re right, I’m still married, at least for the next few days until the paperwork is done. As for the rest, Chakotay, do you love me?”

“I thought that was clear,” he smirked and she smiled a little but he recognised she needed to hear it. “Yes, I still love you, Kathryn - more than I can say.” Her smile broadened and she nodded to herself.

“Then I would really like to take this somewhere together - I want to be with you - actually, to be precise, I never want to be without you. How do you feel about that?” she asked.

He couldn't help the grin that came. There was so much between them, bad and good, but if recent events taught him anything, it was that she was what he wanted more than anything. “I feel like that's a good place to start forever,” he replied as he moved closer to her, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. “I want this more than anything, Kathryn, I want you more than anything and I want you forever.”

Her eyebrows shot up at the implication of that, but she seemed to be pleased about the prospect.

“Good. We’ve talked, we both see this going the same place.”

“I guess,” he said.

“I’m no angel, Chakotay, and neither are you. Let’s not pretend either of us wants to wait until some piece of paper says I’m no longer his, when I have been yours all along.”

With that she kissed him hungrily and this time he didn’t protest.

\---


End file.
